


I Will Not Fail

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Drama, Established Relationship, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-29
Updated: 2006-10-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 06:29:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8701069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: John reflects on his children and the life they've lead. Takes place at the end of 'In My Time of Dying'.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: Thanks as always to my darling, Creed.  


* * *

There is something inside of me that is too dark to explain.

I have stood back and watched as the world has moved on without me, leaving me buried in my past, in my memories, in my nightmares. I’ve left a good part of my life behind and looking back I’ve missed out on a lot. As much as I miss Mary, I’m beginning to realize that in trying to find a way to suture up the whole in my heart I’m missing my sons more.

I’ve never been able to give them a stable environment to grow up. All they’ve ever had to rely on is me and each other. From one run down apartment to the next, one crappy motel room to yet another crappy motel room, I raised them to do the hunt. The normality of a father/son talk extended as far as _‘always carry some kind of weapon’_ or _‘never forget to salt the doors and windows.’_ I left my oldest son in charge of his younger brother. I wish I could take the credit into the fine young men they’ve grown up to be but they’ve raised themselves.

This darkness inside me keeps whispering that I’m a failure…as a father and as a husband.

I push them too hard. I push them too far. God, the things I’ve made them do in the past. This wasn’t how I pictured our lives to be like. It’s so distorted now, so twisted, that I’m afraid nothing I say can ever make up for the time I missed spending with them as a father. I don’t want to be remembered as their mentor, their instructor, their leader. 

Fuck, but what a mess I’ve made of their lives.

And now this.

I’ve told Dean everything that he needed to know in those last minutes before turning over the Colt. I’ve never seen so many emotions play across his face before in my life. But then, I’ve never felt the need to really look at his reaction other than one time before. I needed him to understand…to really know what it is that’s going on with his brother. Dean is my last line of defense now in the land of the living. I have other friends who can help, but none that will fight as hard for Sammy as Dean will. In all my regrets and failings he’s the one that worries me the most. Dean is my perfect soldier but I was anything but the perfect drill instructor. I catered to Sammy as much as I could. Don’t know if it was because he was the youngest or because he had that spark in him that reminded me so much of Mary. All that matters now is I’ve laid more burden on my oldest son’s shoulders than I should have. But Dean will get it done, Dean will see to Sammy’s care better than I probably ever could.

I’ve turned a blind eye in the past to them. They were so close before Sammy left for college, closer than they should have been by any rights. At least I wish I could say I turned a blind eye completely but I didn’t. I made it clear to Dean I knew about them right after Sammy left. I wasn’t subtle with him. If he can do what I know he did with Sammy than he can deal with the consequences of it. He has to buck up and take it like an adult if he wants to play in an adult arena. At one point, it led to an all out fight between us. I said things I wasn’t proud of, accused him of being as unnatural as the things we hunt. He came back at me with fists flying. We drew blood and it flowed freely between the two of us.

I made him promise me, swear to me, that he would never hurt Sammy. I couldn’t seem to make my brain work the way I wanted it to. His eyes were so fierce as he protected them both. I can hardly remember anything he said to me that night. I just remember his eyes, the fire in them. It was the first time I’d ever truly paid attention to his body language. His stance, his stare, the clenching of his fists…it betrayed more than some casual tension-breaking sex between them. It was more than some experiment. I don’t know whether that soothed me or tore me up more. I haven’t done right by them in so long. I take that blame.

To watch Dean in the hospital bed as I whispered what he needed to know, what he needed to be prepared for…he’d never looked so angry, lost, and proud all at one time. He knew now that I was handing Sammy over to him completely, in every way that I possibly could. I was making it okay, not with blatant words but with my own secret way of showing how much I trusted him. He will fight tooth and nail for his brother. He will fight doubly hard for his lover.

I’m safe in that knowledge.

But now it may work to our advantage. I say ‘our’ because this bond between them is something so much stronger than the average sibling relationship. I will find a way to help them, even after I walk out of this room in corporeal form. I will always be with them, the same way Mary has always been with me. My hunt hasn’t finished yet and I don’t walk away until it’s all over. I will not fail.

I can’t.


End file.
